The V Card

How old were YOU when you lost your virginity?

Don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know. I mean, I love to hear stories, but that’s not what this post is about. This post  is about that word.

Lost.

Lost, like a little child who can’t find their mother.

Lost, like my mother’s wedding ring that time we went to the water park.

Lost, like my roomate’s car keys.

Lost, like a loved one.

Lost.

Like it’s not coming back.

I struggle with this idea that virginity is a something that we have, and then lose. I understand that this belief has existed forever, but I would like to challenge that virginity isn’t something we have, but rather something we are. Some of us are virgins. We haven’t had sex. Simple. Some of us aren’t. We have had sex. Simple.

Neither of us is more whole or intact than the other. I did not lose anything when I had sex, personally I felt that I gained a lot of new perspectives and feelings, a completely new awareness of my body and the things it can do. I remember thinking the next day, “Wow, I don’t feel any different. I feel like the exact same person. Not one speck of difference.” No fireworks, no omniscient voice, no fire and brimstone. Moving from virgin to not being a virgin was pretty uneventful. The only thing that it did was allow me to talk about sex even more, which was a plus for someone who likes to talk about it as much as I do!

This view of virginity as an object hurts both men and women. I mean, if women are tired of having to “lose” something by “giving” it to men, then aren’t men sick of having to receive it? Seriously guys, raise your hand out there if you want a big present called VIRGINITY. It comes with lots of cool add ons like hymens and blood. Want it? We have to stop thinking like sex is something women have and something men want. Sex isn’t a thing. Neither is virginity. Sex is something you do. Virgin is something you are. In order to not be one, or in order to have sex, YOU have to make that decision.

Mind you, I’m not trying to advocate any particular practices around virginity. Be a virgin. Don’t be a virgin. Have sex. Don’t.

Just own your sexuality. Own being a virgin. When you have sex for the first time, don’t give anyone anything, because that moment is YOURS and no one else’s.

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08. April 2011 by Juliana
Categories: Feminism, Reproductive Health | Tags: , , | 6 comments

  • Kate

    To be fair, men lose their virginity too. They are just told to lose it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and it doesn’t even matter to who, just get rid of the damn thing.

    I’m not saying it’s healthy. I’m just saying it goes both ways.

  • LisaBr

    You have this facility to say the things that we all think about without succeeding in expressing them out loud. Loving it !

  • Juliana

    You’re totally right, they are. I chose not to write about that, but I agree with you 100%, men have to lose it too. Although we would never say that a man “gave” a woman his virginity.

  • Juliana

    Obrigada Prima!

  • http://jennyteacups.blogspot.com Jenny

    What also comes into question is the idea of homosexual sex: what is it? How is it defined? Is a homosexual who has never engaged in heterosexual sex a virgin for life? Etc.

  • Juliana

    I know! I’ve actually been talking about that a lot too. A friend of mine who is bicurious has never had heterosexual sex, and people are trying to call her a virgin! What, so lesbian sex isn’t enough?